How stupid can people be - Part Two

I have done a few blogs about Manuka honey and one last year was about it being sold for £83 a jar and in which I suggested that some people are amazingly gullible.

Recently Keith from The Little Smokehouse who also does the Bromham Mill Market, showed me something from a Thomas Cooke In-flight magazine.

On the face of it [excuse the pun] this looks like a wonder product.
According to the blurb it is

A legendary cream that takes multi purpose to the next level. Egyptian Magic is an all natural skin cream that can tame your hair frizz, eradicate dry skin, smooth and sooth chapped lips, moisturise your face or use as a make up primer - the list is endless

Just what the world needs I thought, an end to one of the greatest problems facing society today - hair frizz. I imagined Hair Frizz clinics all over the country being  closed down and fully qualified Hair Frizz Technicians queuing outside the Job Centre.
It also explains how Elizabeth Taylor and other Egyptians managed to have such frizz free hair.

Before Egyptian Magic

After Egyptian Magic

Any thing that takes multipurpose to the next level does it for me, so I had a hunt round and found its possible to pay even more than £20, you can buy it from Boots for £29 for 2 oz

Although Keith was a bit enraged by the price, initially I was interested that it contained pollen.
Apparently the ingredients are:-

Egyptian Magic is made of Honey, Beeswax, Olive Oil, Royal Jelly, bee pollen & Bee Propolis.

I sell propolis cream that contains honey, beeswax, olive oil and propolis but lacks pollen and Royal jelly.
To sell a cosmetic in the UK it has to be licenced and included in the process is an laboratory analysis of the product.
When I submitted my recipe, which contained pollen, I was told

Hello MartinThanks for your email.The pollen would not be permitted I am afraid, as it is an allergen.

I have done a course on allergens and knew that there were 14 allergens.
And that pollen isn't one of them.
However I had been dreading the cost and time involved in the process of getting the cream approved, so couldn't be bothered to argue and took it out and got it approved.
Approved cosmetics have to maintain certain records about the product so I contacted Egyptian Magic about its contents.
I received an email saying:-

Yes, your statement is true and we are the only company in the EU that is complying with Regulation (EC) 1223/2009 regarding labeling of cosmetics, and of course all the mandatory testing made for the products to be sold in the EU..For any inquires, please contact our RP (Responsible Person): at .......

I was a little surprised to see Egyptian Magic  'are the only company in the EU that is complying with Regulation (EC) 1223/2009 regarding labeling of cosmetics    but wrote a letter to their office in Belgium
The day after I received the email I got another email saying

I am in contact with them and our internal responsible person. They will not provide this information to you.

They have ignored any further emails.

The Egyptian Magic web site is a treasure trove of deranged, quasi religious fervour only the Americans can produce.
My favourite bit is about the history of Egyptian Magic

The Story of Egyptian Magic begins in 1986 at a Chicago Diner when an elderly man approached Westley Howard (The name Mr. ImHotepAmonRa was then known as), who was passing through as a water filter salesman at that time. The elderly man said to Westley, “Brother, the Spirit has moved me to reveal something to you.”. In that moment, Mr.ImHotepAmonRa said, ”It didn’t seem too weird to me. I’m a Spiritual person, so these things happen to me all the time.”
The stranger´s name was Dr. Imas. He never revealed his last name or made it clear what kind of doctor he was. Over the next two years, Dr. Imas periodically visited Mr. Howard in Washington and showed him how to make a skin cream from olive oil, beeswax, bee pollen, royal jelly and bee propolis (a substance that seals hives).
Dr. Imas claimed it was the exact formula for a cream found in ancient Egyptian tombs.

An article in the New York Times suggests Howard, sorry, Mr ImHotepAmonRa, is probably quite mad but has managed to transfer his skills in selling water filters to selling snake oil, sorry, a miracle cream.
The article also quotes a researcher in Egyptian cosmetics from the UK as saying Egyptians didn't have the ability to separate out pollen, propolis and royal jelly. 
Also propolis is highly insoluble and can only be reduced to a liquid by soaking it in 90%+ proof alcohol. Apparently Egyptian brewers only managed beers of 3-4%

Although not shown on the tub, the web site claims another ingredient to be 'Divine Love'. Essential to get a flawless complexion and makes short work of hair frizz. Unfortunately I have been unable to find a local source for my cream.

Recently I was in Tesco's when an elderly man appeared from the Ready Meals aisle.
'It didn’t seem too weird to me. I’m a Spiritual person, so these things happen to me all the time' I thought, ' especially in Tesco's'
 'Hello geezer' he said. 'My names Professor Connor Mugg and I've been sent by the Spirit MakaKwikBuk to guide you on the path to cash in on the gullible. I'm an acquaintance of Westley Howard, sorry, Mr ImhotepAmonra'.

A few things to think about. Firstly you've got to charge a lot more. A lot more. It doesn't matter what it costs to make just make it expensive. That way when the punter buys it they convince themselves they are buying something special and they are treating themselves. Gullibility, vanity and self indulgence are critical to flog this kind of stuff. If a miracle cream costs 50p a gallon nobody would be interested. Make it £50 an ounce and they won't be able to get enough. The Spirit MakaKwikBuk  calls it the Manuka Principle.

Second, you've got to sort your marketing out. Make lots of vague promises about what it can do, Not dull things like 'keeps your drains clear' but something along the lines of 'can transform the most hideous orc into a vision of loveliness'. Get as much New Age hippy mumbo jumbo in the advertising as you can. Use words like 'pure', 'naturally sourced',  'organic' 'holistic', 'natural', 'pamper', 'energising', 'purifying',' enriched', Use pictures of skinny blonde women running through fields, no not Theresa May, or photoshopped women with perfect complexions for the punters to aspire to.

Its a good idea to try and link to something 'mystical' or 'spiritual', the punters love that sort of thing, its a big market.

Also, think of a strap line. Something that plays to peoples vanity and self indulgence. I suggested to L'Oreal Paris they used 'Because you're worth it' Try something like that, perhaps 'Because you can afford it or think you can'

With that he disappeared into the Home Bakery aisle never to be seen again.
'Well you can't say pharaoh than that' I thought to myself.

I immediately convened a meeting of the Executive Directors of North Bedfordshire and after an intensive session of storming brains, picking low hanging fruit, clear sky thinking, running things up flag poles and seeing who saluted them, and lots of actioning joined up thinking at this moment in time, we came up with the following.

We will be in future charging a stupid amount of money for the cream.This will obviously take punters spirituality to a new level as well as our bank balance.
We will be providing finance arrangements through Wonga to pay for it. Terms and Conditions will apply.

It will be re-branded as Znaykeoyul cream.We will trace its history to the exact recipe used by the possibly fictional Bownhed tribe of Bedfordshire. Ethereal mystics who all had fantastic complexions, displayed none of the seven signs of ageing and had eye lashes to die for.

As for the things it can do, as Egyptian Magic would say 'the list is endless'  so to save having to write an endless list of things it can do, we can leave that to the punter's imagination. It'll probably be very good for hair frizz.